goldencharms | FOR INFY!!!

... Ah, sorry!

[ he should move, that's right. He turns to look towards the hills. surely, they will be glowing. though, should he let Jamil go? He realizes now, selfishly, he doesn't want to let go. but Jamil wanted this trip for himself. Not to have to entertain him.

but what if next time, he can't grab him...?

he swallows nervously, his grip loosening, becoming more incorporeal as he overthinks it ]

.....We won't find anyone waiting here. Come on.

[Somehow, Jamil can't find it in himself to smile, no matter how often he plasters them on for the sake of politeness or empty flattery in his daily life. He can at least try to offer some semblance of reassurance at least, even if he couldn't possibly believe his own words any less--it seems like the only thing he can do, feeling Kalim's grasp grow gradually more insubstantial and cold.

They're not going to find anyone out there. They're not going to find anything out there. Jamil knows that with more certainty than he should, heavy and cold in the pit of his stomach. How pretty the landscape is does nothing to alleviate his anxiety--especially when the farther they go, the lovelier and wilder it seems to get. A popular tourist attraction shouldn't have a trail that gets rougher and more overgrown, should it? The wilderness shouldn't be trying to reclaim this place, as though they're the only ones who have wandered through some distant, isolated grove in recent memory. There's a paved parking lot not that far away, for the Seven's sake.]

It’s so pretty…

[ the best part of going where it’s more wild; there are more wild flowers strewn in and plants and hanging vines— the sort of things you could only see in the fanciest of garden in the Scalding Sands.

Kalim’s seen well kept gardens, but something like this seems precious and worth appreciating.

But better yet, it distracts him. And while his form doesn’t get anymore solid, it doesn’t seem as on the verge of disappearing as it did before. He lets go of Jamil’s arm to wander away, to see some of the plants with a smile.

He would’ve liked to come someplace like this before… but he’s glad he got to see it anyway. ]

This already was a really good idea, and we haven’t even gotten that far!

[ he says, turning on his heel wildly to grin at Jamil, hands and one leg extended in excitement ]

Let’s go, let’s go!

[ and off he darts, further down the path, disappearing around a bend ]

D-don't just run off on your own! You'll get lost!

[And isn't that a strange thought? You shouldn't be able to get lost somewhere so well-traveled..... and yet, it feels like there's a very real threat of the path disappearing entirely at any moment, swallowed up by undergrowth until they find themselves somewhere they're not meant to go at all. This isn't looking like any of the photographs he'd seen while researching. Sure, it's pretty, but.....

It's not right. It's not supposed to be like this. It's not what he'd expected, and more than anything else, Jamil hates surprises. Hasn't enough gone horribly wrong already today? He can't even be glad that Kalim has perked back up, when he immediately finds himself running to catch up with the boy to make sure they don't get separated. What the hell would he do if he ended up really all alone out here?]

[ he stops only when he gets to one of the glowing and sparkling areas, the flowers even more colorful there. Easy to catch up with him, and he looks more physically there than he has the whole time.

He just wants to see as much of this as possible. It’s too soon for him to go, they’ve only just started. ]

Look, Jamil! Isn’t it pretty??

[Of course Kalim would run in a space where only he doesn't need to worry about tripping over rocks and roots. Isn't that just like him, glossing over anything inconvenient and leaving the rest of them scrambling to compensate? Ugh! Where are they even going in such a hurry? Kalim can't even enjoy the scenery if he's going this fast! If he trips, he really will lose sight of him, and then what?

Jamil is panting and ruffled by the time they stop, nearly pitching headfirst into water that shimmers like molten magestone from trying to stop so abruptly. The branches weaving overhead create an awful lot of natural shade..... But it doesn't feel dark, does it? Not with glittering rocks, and clusters of lanternblossoms growing along the water's edge, and wildflowers in fantastic colors that nature alone couldn't possibly produce.]

I..... I guess? What were you thinking, rushing off like that?

I wanted to see more. I haven’t been to a place like this before.

[ he says easily, turning to face him. ]

And then when I looked around, I understood why you wanted to go to this place too.

[ or maybe he didn’t, that causes a moment of hesitation, but he brushes past it to keep talking with enthusiasm. ]

This place is almost the opposite of the desert, while still being on land, right? But the way it sparkles reminds me of the desert in moonlight. So, it’s just different enough…

I’m glad I got to see this with you.

[ without thinking… he leans up and kisses his cheek ]

[Does Kalim actually understand why he wanted to come here? Does Jamil really understand why himself, even? He wanted.....

He doesn't know. Even as far away from the Scalding Sands as he can physically get, even in an environment as different from the desert as it could possibly be, even seeing the world with nobody and nothing to weigh him down..... He doesn't feel any better. None of this has managed to actually make him feel free, let alone happy. And mysterious circumstances aside, just look at what this idiocy has cost them. Kalim is.....

Kissing him? Why? He doesn't deserve this. He's the last person Kalim should--should be--

For a moment, his heart freezes in his chest. Jamil turns away to hide how his eyes start to burn, struggling futilely to keep his voice even.]

Wh-what are you doing?

You don't like it?

[ oops, he pulls back... ]

Sorry... I really wanted to.

I..... You're wasting your time.

[With this. With him. How can he tell if he likes it, when it ties his stomach in knots?]

We both are. I should be on a plane back right now.

What?

[ he looks back up at him, shocked. ]

Why?? Isn't this the vacation you've been looking forward to all this time?

And look what happened because of it! Do you honestly think I can just stay here now?!

[There's no reason for him to be angry at Kalim. Kalim should be angry with him, if anything. But something feels like it's twisting and fraying and splintering inside him, like a jackal tearing its prey limb from limb. He can't help the way tears spill hot or his voice abruptly raises, facade of calm control shattering under the force of it.]

What do you think is happening back home right now?! I'll be lucky if the only thing that's waiting is planning a funeral!

Huh…?

Why would you be planning anything?

[ he stares at him, oddly calm about this ]

Whatever happened, it was inevitable, right? And more importantly, you’re here. It’s not your fault.

It hasn't even been a full day. Do you realize that? The second I took my eyes off of you, tragedy strikes. Even you can't possibly be naive enough to actually believe this was a coincidence!

[How can Kalim be so calm about this? How does he even explain in a way he could understand? He can't just..... ignore the fact that he'd abandoned his responsibilities. He'd abandoned Kalim. He'd wanted to run away, even just for a little while..... How selfish can you possibly be?

It seems even less appropriate, trying to explain the dread of going home, given the state of Kalim right now. Everyone in the estate is going to be involved in the funeral of the heir, obviously--it can't possibly be a small scale event, when the Al-Asims are involved. But..... what if he no longer has a place in that household at all?]

"That's just the fate of the al-Asim heir."

[ he repeats, something he's had said to him his whole life... He doesn't understand what Jamil is getting at?? ]

There wasn't really anything either of us could do??

That's why you have me!

[.....Had. Had him.

That's why it had been so important that he never leave his side, especially for something so frivolous. That's why he had worked and worried all these years--because he and the others weren't just servants, were they? They were shields. They protected Kalim and the rest of the family from fate, no matter how inevitable it seemed, until the battle simply proved more than a match for them.]

No, that's not it at all!

[ he protests immediately. The last thing he ever thought of Jamil as was-- some sort of protection against everything that he'd ever had to do.

If anything, he hated that more than simply suffering through it. ]

Your family's estate could be run with half as many people, if all of you weren't in constant danger--and you have it worse than any of them! Why do you think I took over making and testing all your food?

[Idiot. Why would it matter if he had thought of Jamil like that or not? Someone had to step up and take responsibility for his well-being in all those seemingly insignificant day to day details, someone Kalim could trust. Maybe his trust had been misplaced--if the fact that they're having this conversation to begin with is any indication, then it obviously was--, but even so..... Doesn't this just prove how vitally important it had been? When had he forgotten that?]

[ ah...

he hates that, but its the first time he's ever really had to think about it. Or-- that somehow the dream didn't change in his mind, to something different.

Something happier. ]

... I'm really glad you won't ever have to do that again.

[ and then, the panic that he had forgotten about is back with a vengeance. his eyes sting, he drops down to his knees, trying to contain his tears, and failing. ]

You're.... You're definitely free of all of that.

[ his voice is trembling, and his head tilts forward. ]

I didn't want you to do that for me! I hated it! I'd rather have just continued on like before! That... that was better than making you deal with my troubles.

[ he can't look him in the eyes, the guilt is overwhelming. ]

You really think I would have just let you starve yourself to death?!

[He is free of all of that now, isn't he? It's questionable if he'll be welcomed back at all--and even if he is, who knows what role he'll be reassigned to? A family chef, maybe? Still a personal attendant, but responsible for a sibling less important than the next chosen heir?

But either way, that's not the point, is it? That's never been what he's actually needed to be free from. Who cares about spending time in the kitchen or getting ill a few times? He can easily deal with a hazardous and demanding job, if it means every day doesn't feel like he's killing his own heart inch by inch.]

I wasn't...

[ he pauses, and shakes his head again.

he can't look at Jamil. ]

I'm sorry...

You were. Don't think we couldn't tell.

[Even back then, Kalim had been far too ready to lie to himself and others, too ready to blindly dismiss potentially deadly thoughtlessness as inconsequential. Had he really thought he could play off what he was doing so that others wouldn't notice? That they hadn't consulted doctors about his deteriorating condition?

"Sorry" isn't good enough. Denial won't change the facts of life. Kalim can't just pretend that everything would have been fine, if he had kept going without intervention, or that everything is going to be fine now. This isn't some kind of game, or a daydream they can expect to magically end in Happily Ever After. Real life requires sacrifices--but Kalim hadn't needed to be one of them back then, and he shouldn't have been one today, either.]

It’s not that…

[ he trails off, and then shakes his head, ]

It wasn’t like that.

[ Kalim seems at a loss for words, staring at Jamil, the beauty of the world around him forgotten out of a desperate need to try and make things right for him, while also struggling with why it was like this at all. There was nothing that could be done— he wasn’t the first heir to die, though he desperately hopes he is the last. ]

But I want you to be happy right now. This is what you’ve always wanted, right?

How could any of this possibly be what I wanted?! I never asked for this!

[Normally he'd never dare be caught in a state like this. Disgracefully openly distraught, face streaked with tears, shouting at Kalim as he knelt at his feet..... The consequences for something like this would be dire, if word got back to either of their families. Anyone could find them, when his yelling could surely easily be heard all the way back at the parking lot.....

But there isn't anyone to hear or find them, is there? There's nobody at all. Nobody but him, and the lingering spirit of the boy who used to be his whole world, for better and for worse.]

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