goldencharms | FOR INFY!!!

It hasn't even been a full day. Do you realize that? The second I took my eyes off of you, tragedy strikes. Even you can't possibly be naive enough to actually believe this was a coincidence!

[How can Kalim be so calm about this? How does he even explain in a way he could understand? He can't just..... ignore the fact that he'd abandoned his responsibilities. He'd abandoned Kalim. He'd wanted to run away, even just for a little while..... How selfish can you possibly be?

It seems even less appropriate, trying to explain the dread of going home, given the state of Kalim right now. Everyone in the estate is going to be involved in the funeral of the heir, obviously--it can't possibly be a small scale event, when the Al-Asims are involved. But..... what if he no longer has a place in that household at all?]

"That's just the fate of the al-Asim heir."

[ he repeats, something he's had said to him his whole life... He doesn't understand what Jamil is getting at?? ]

There wasn't really anything either of us could do??

That's why you have me!

[.....Had. Had him.

That's why it had been so important that he never leave his side, especially for something so frivolous. That's why he had worked and worried all these years--because he and the others weren't just servants, were they? They were shields. They protected Kalim and the rest of the family from fate, no matter how inevitable it seemed, until the battle simply proved more than a match for them.]

No, that's not it at all!

[ he protests immediately. The last thing he ever thought of Jamil as was-- some sort of protection against everything that he'd ever had to do.

If anything, he hated that more than simply suffering through it. ]

Your family's estate could be run with half as many people, if all of you weren't in constant danger--and you have it worse than any of them! Why do you think I took over making and testing all your food?

[Idiot. Why would it matter if he had thought of Jamil like that or not? Someone had to step up and take responsibility for his well-being in all those seemingly insignificant day to day details, someone Kalim could trust. Maybe his trust had been misplaced--if the fact that they're having this conversation to begin with is any indication, then it obviously was--, but even so..... Doesn't this just prove how vitally important it had been? When had he forgotten that?]

[ ah...

he hates that, but its the first time he's ever really had to think about it. Or-- that somehow the dream didn't change in his mind, to something different.

Something happier. ]

... I'm really glad you won't ever have to do that again.

[ and then, the panic that he had forgotten about is back with a vengeance. his eyes sting, he drops down to his knees, trying to contain his tears, and failing. ]

You're.... You're definitely free of all of that.

[ his voice is trembling, and his head tilts forward. ]

I didn't want you to do that for me! I hated it! I'd rather have just continued on like before! That... that was better than making you deal with my troubles.

[ he can't look him in the eyes, the guilt is overwhelming. ]

You really think I would have just let you starve yourself to death?!

[He is free of all of that now, isn't he? It's questionable if he'll be welcomed back at all--and even if he is, who knows what role he'll be reassigned to? A family chef, maybe? Still a personal attendant, but responsible for a sibling less important than the next chosen heir?

But either way, that's not the point, is it? That's never been what he's actually needed to be free from. Who cares about spending time in the kitchen or getting ill a few times? He can easily deal with a hazardous and demanding job, if it means every day doesn't feel like he's killing his own heart inch by inch.]

I wasn't...

[ he pauses, and shakes his head again.

he can't look at Jamil. ]

I'm sorry...

You were. Don't think we couldn't tell.

[Even back then, Kalim had been far too ready to lie to himself and others, too ready to blindly dismiss potentially deadly thoughtlessness as inconsequential. Had he really thought he could play off what he was doing so that others wouldn't notice? That they hadn't consulted doctors about his deteriorating condition?

"Sorry" isn't good enough. Denial won't change the facts of life. Kalim can't just pretend that everything would have been fine, if he had kept going without intervention, or that everything is going to be fine now. This isn't some kind of game, or a daydream they can expect to magically end in Happily Ever After. Real life requires sacrifices--but Kalim hadn't needed to be one of them back then, and he shouldn't have been one today, either.]

It’s not that…

[ he trails off, and then shakes his head, ]

It wasn’t like that.

[ Kalim seems at a loss for words, staring at Jamil, the beauty of the world around him forgotten out of a desperate need to try and make things right for him, while also struggling with why it was like this at all. There was nothing that could be done— he wasn’t the first heir to die, though he desperately hopes he is the last. ]

But I want you to be happy right now. This is what you’ve always wanted, right?

How could any of this possibly be what I wanted?! I never asked for this!

[Normally he'd never dare be caught in a state like this. Disgracefully openly distraught, face streaked with tears, shouting at Kalim as he knelt at his feet..... The consequences for something like this would be dire, if word got back to either of their families. Anyone could find them, when his yelling could surely easily be heard all the way back at the parking lot.....

But there isn't anyone to hear or find them, is there? There's nobody at all. Nobody but him, and the lingering spirit of the boy who used to be his whole world, for better and for worse.]

Huh?!

[ there's a hint of panic in Kalim's voice-- well, more than a hint. he wasn't sure what to do with Jamil in this state, and he immediately drops to his knees to try and reassure him.

he doesn't know what that means, what any of what Jamil is saying means. But what he does know is that he doesn't want him to cry. It doesn't feel right to him, he couldn't imagine it. and yet, here it was.

he reaches out to his shoulders trying to figure out what he should do, his face in open worry as he can't even pull together a smile. ]

I'm sorry! I don't want you to be sad!

[ he admits, his form wavering with his own uncertainty. ]

What the hell else am I supposed to be?! It doesn't matter what either of us want!

[There's nobody and nothing. He's alone, self-sufficient, accompanied only by the guilt and regret of his proven failure--and soon, even that will probably fade away, when Kalim decides to return to his family or pass beyond the veil. He's not bound and gagged right now, not stuffed into some tiny, dark, suffocating lamp to be summoned only on his master's whim. But just as there's nothing to keep him so limited and restrained, there's nothing to keep him anchored either, nothing to help hold him together instead of unravel in a spiral of grief and helpless rage.

Who would want this..... this nothingness? What has all of this even been for, if it's all going to be so hollow in the end?]

[ Kalim has things he thinks are the answer to what Jamil should be feeling, but maybe he missed something again?

And maybe he is a little sad, too. Or… a lot sad. He didn’t want to leave like this, he didn’t want to not be there to welcome him back from his journey. And so, he hesitates before answering, his grip on his shoulder disappearing, phasing through like it had moments before.

He doesn’t like that. ]

Jamil…

[ he wants to make it right, but he doesn’t know how. ]

It's all wrong. I never--this isn't--

[It's deeply, viscerally wrong in ways he doesn't have words for; he wants to cling to Kalim's insubstantial form as much as he wants to recoil, scream at him as much as he wants to be violently ill. It makes his skin crawl with unease--he shouldn't have found out this way. His phone should have been ringing non-stop from the moment something happened. He shouldn't be dealing with this alone, let alone have time to feel this way--he should be in crisis control mode, frantically coordinating a return trip right now.

Kalim shouldn't be here either--even as a ghost, is it really so quick to get halfway around the world, unless he'd been murdered mere minutes or hours after he'd left him in the hands of the rest of the servants? What had the rest of the household been doing, to let him die so easily? Shouldn't he still be in shock as he confronts his new status, or at least cooperating with local authorities so his murder can be investigated? They have mages in law enforcement for a reason--it's much easier to find clues and suspects alike, if the victim's spirit themselves can provide a statement.

Why..... why is nobody here for them, except each other? Kalim has a whole estate full of people who love him. He himself should have been struggling with swarms of fellow tourists, people who have no idea who he is, let alone what his social status is. This trip was supposed to be liberating, not haunting. It's just..... impossible.

The more desperately he wants to deny it all, the more reasons he finds to do so. The world around them wavers and distorts like a mirage, steadily growing darker and colder, less substantial and real as he violently rejects the very premise it's built on. He absolutely refuses to stay in such a horrible place; it's time to go home. It's time to wake up.]

This is just a nightmare! That's all!

[ Jamil’s so upset, and Kalim’s heart is shattering, all the same. He wishes it wasn’t like this, that things were different.

But when the world seems to warp and shift around them, he notices. He looks around in confusion— when Jamil’s words hit like a snap. ]

A nightmare…

[ how did this happen in the first place? He doesn’t remember, he doesn’t even remember how he got that far. It was just obvious to him—

But that wasn’t true. There was no reason for it. He’s not actually been the target of something like that in ages—- this isn’t right ]

You’re right!

[This time, it's Jamil that grows ghostly and insubstantial, fading into the deepening darkness as he flees this desolate hellscape through sheer force of will. There's no reason to stay, after all--it's not real. None of it is. Not his vacation, not this town--and obviously not Kalim. Kalim is waiting for him to wake up, just like the rest of his life.

But what happens to a dream, once its dreamer abandons it? What happens to Kalim, left in his wake?]

[ what does happen?

Kalim stares at where Jamil was, confused at how he's suddenly alone. An uncomfortable shiver goes down his spine as he looks around at the now vacant area, nothing going on. nothing to see...

He isn't a ghost, but he isn't waking up... ah. Maybe... he should make a new dream. maybe that's the right answer. ]

[Jamil wakes collapsed on the kitchen floor and drenched with cold sweat, head pounding dizzyingly and stomach lurching with nausea, eyes and throat burning as though he's been sobbing for hours. Who knows? Maybe he has been. He's not sure how long he was asleep, after all--he just knows that he hurts all over from the fall. Had he concussed himself? He feels a little..... he doesn't know. Woozy, maybe? Hungover? Hard to say, when he's never gotten drunk to have anything to compare this to.

Seven, his head is still spinning. He needs a shower, and maybe a proper lie down, that should help. But first..... he should make sure that..... that idiot is safe inside with Lilia and Ruby. Just..... just in case. He's probably still just inordinately shaken up from the nightmare--but it's starting to feel a little too real, when Kalim doesn't answer his phone or respond to texting. And when he tries calling Lilia and Ruby instead.....

All that sick dread comes rushing back to him in an instant. What kind of fool rushes out into such a deadly storm?! Especially without any kind of second thought or backup plan? Maybe he's that kind of fool, too..... Once Kalim is out there and thoroughly lost, he probably won't stop searching, after all. Once again, it falls to him to clean up Kalim's messes and save him from himself. There's no way the trains or busses are running at a time like this, is there? Maybe not even the elevator. That means Kalim must still be in the Down..... and Jamil will have no way to get there himself, except walking along the roads and hoping it's not entirely blocked with snow, abandoned cars, and fallen debris.

Even not accounting for the time it will take to search, this trip might take hours. They could both die out there. And yet..... Jamil finds himself scribbling a hasty note to his Submissive, bundling up as warmly as he can manage and packing some food before reluctantly trudging out into the merciless blizzard. Here goes nothing!]

[ a new dream takes shape, pulling him back into the lull, something that was only his. A party, one that he can’t quite remember the cause for, but…

And yet, in the real world, he’d collapsed long ago. The snow that had melted on his clothes had already refrozen, giving him a much colder.. stiffer look. Whatever warmth he is giving off is completely subsumed at this point. ]

[It's a long, agonizing slog down eerily empty highways, navigating by his device in one hand, and fire magic blazing high in the other. It's a hell of a lot of magic to waste, keeping it burning so hot for so long--but it's the only thing that keeps him going, if Jamil is honest. He can barely even feel the cold anymore, he's so numb, and it's not helped by how often he stumbles and falls face-first into snow drifts deep enough to nearly swallow him whole. It's hard just to force himself to stand back up and keep walking, when exhaustion weighs him down so heavily--but he can't just stop. If he stops, they're both done for.

Even if Najima scolds, and his own Phantom sneers, and Kalim stares at him with such betrayal in his eyes..... every picture he takes of them reveals nothing but empty streets and untouched snow. They follow him even if he doesn't follow them, even if he knows they're not real--it's not until his eyes sting with frozen tears and his throat is raw from screaming at them do they finally deign to fade away, leaving him with nothing but the setting sun and foul taste of blot thick on his tongue to keep him company. Funny how prophetic his dream feels now, struggling through an unnaturally empty city while his heart feels like it's going to tear its way out of his chest.....

At least he feels lighter with each damning confession these shadows wearing false faces forcibly tear from his lips. Miserable, raw and vulnerable, hurting from the accusations he can't refute..... but free, finally openly acknowledging the darkness inside him he'd choked down for so many years. Even the slow uphill trudge back home doesn't feel quite so awful, in spite of carrying Kalim's limp weight the whole way; he'd have to be an even bigger idiot than he already is to go to Lilia's house, knowing how poor maintenance is on buildings in the Down. They need the warmth of a safe, sturdy apartment building after..... how many hours has he been out here? How much longer has Kalim been out here?

It hardly feels real by the time Jamil staggers back into the apartment and drops Kalim onto the couch. He locks the door, turns on the heat with hands so shaky and numb he can barely hit the buttons, wishes futilely that these apartments had fireplaces--but none of it changes the fact that he needs to wake Kalim back up. He's struggling to think clearly enough to remember what the treatment to hypothermia is--but it's definitely not sex, no matter how logical it seems at the moment. Will he wake up naturally, when the storm outside is so unnatural?

Maybe..... maybe it's an enchanted sleep of some sort. Historically speaking, true love's kiss is a traditional condition to lifting curses. It's the sort of absurd, impossible idea he'd never entertain, if he were thinking clearly--but if he's honest with himself, Jamil isn't confident he's physically capable of having sex right now, even if he was willing to try. Jamil bends over Kalim, still shaking and covered in snow, and presses their lips together before he can second guess himself.]

[ in this new dream, there's a parade. a party. a feast. Kalim's almost forgotten the previous dream, except for some lingering sadness. the feeling that he's missing something, but any time it's on the tip of his tongue, someone else is there to distract him.

but he can't help the feeling of loneliness that sinks in. that emptiness that something important is missing. how long has this parade in the desert been after all? it feels like there was something that happened before. and yet, his eyes are scanning the crowd for someone.

He manages to work his way throughout the party, stopping when grabbed to entertain others, or to dance, but still he searches-- it's only when he hears the clinking of charms, that he pulls his attention away-- turns immediately to look.

He's looking for someone. "Jamil...?"

He looks around again, and yet, when he turns, he nearly finds himself running into Jamil all of a sudden, and he feels intense relief. He opens his mouth to speak, when Jamil leans down to kiss him... ]

Mmmh...?

[ he mumbles half asleep, brows furrowing, and then his eyes open. has he been dreaming this whole time? ]

--?!

[Jamil jolts in place, eyes widening in shock. What? What had just happened? How? Why?! He hadn't actually expected the attempt to work, not when he--when they--

Maybe he was mistaken. Maybe he had been thinking too deeply about this, making too many assumptions about the nature of the storm and Kalim's conditions. It's possible this is just..... Duplicity being Duplicity, again. Maybe any intimate contact would have been fine, as long as it wasn't platonic. Maybe a kiss would have worked just as well as a blowjob. That's far more reasonable than the alternative, right? Or..... maybe it's just because Kalim is Kalim. Insufferably optimistic and trusting as he is, he'd probably fall in love with anyone he spent enough time with.

Either way, it's..... it's fine. There's nothing he needs to think too hard about. He can just..... hastily straighten back up, and press a few gloved fingers against Kalim's neck to check his pulse. His own has felt concerningly sluggish for hours, but that's not important anymore now that they're inside. How deeply chilled has Kalim ended up? How many blankets can he scrounge together? What was the treatment supposed to be for frostbite, again? Even the coldest nights in the Scalding Sands hadn't prepared him to need that kind of information readily memorized.....]

[ jamil's hands are warm-- almost too warm. and Kalim immediately tries to push himself up, but he feels... almost like an icicle, everything is so cold. And so, of course, immediately he starts shivering pathetically--

and then sneezes.

and sniffles. ]

Jamil...?

[ what happened... he heard... him? He heard him asking for help and went outside, but everything else after that-- he doesn't quite remember? he went away from the house, trying to follow him, and yet... he feels like maybe he passed out?

but... Jamil was just kissing him, right?? was that a dream too...?

No, wait! That means Jamil's okay! and he immediately launches himself to cling to him, ]

You're okay!!

FOR INFY!!!

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