goldencharms | FOR INFY!!!

[Of course Kalim would run in a space where only he doesn't need to worry about tripping over rocks and roots. Isn't that just like him, glossing over anything inconvenient and leaving the rest of them scrambling to compensate? Ugh! Where are they even going in such a hurry? Kalim can't even enjoy the scenery if he's going this fast! If he trips, he really will lose sight of him, and then what?

Jamil is panting and ruffled by the time they stop, nearly pitching headfirst into water that shimmers like molten magestone from trying to stop so abruptly. The branches weaving overhead create an awful lot of natural shade..... But it doesn't feel dark, does it? Not with glittering rocks, and clusters of lanternblossoms growing along the water's edge, and wildflowers in fantastic colors that nature alone couldn't possibly produce.]

I..... I guess? What were you thinking, rushing off like that?

I wanted to see more. I haven’t been to a place like this before.

[ he says easily, turning to face him. ]

And then when I looked around, I understood why you wanted to go to this place too.

[ or maybe he didn’t, that causes a moment of hesitation, but he brushes past it to keep talking with enthusiasm. ]

This place is almost the opposite of the desert, while still being on land, right? But the way it sparkles reminds me of the desert in moonlight. So, it’s just different enough…

I’m glad I got to see this with you.

[ without thinking… he leans up and kisses his cheek ]

[Does Kalim actually understand why he wanted to come here? Does Jamil really understand why himself, even? He wanted.....

He doesn't know. Even as far away from the Scalding Sands as he can physically get, even in an environment as different from the desert as it could possibly be, even seeing the world with nobody and nothing to weigh him down..... He doesn't feel any better. None of this has managed to actually make him feel free, let alone happy. And mysterious circumstances aside, just look at what this idiocy has cost them. Kalim is.....

Kissing him? Why? He doesn't deserve this. He's the last person Kalim should--should be--

For a moment, his heart freezes in his chest. Jamil turns away to hide how his eyes start to burn, struggling futilely to keep his voice even.]

Wh-what are you doing?

You don't like it?

[ oops, he pulls back... ]

Sorry... I really wanted to.

I..... You're wasting your time.

[With this. With him. How can he tell if he likes it, when it ties his stomach in knots?]

We both are. I should be on a plane back right now.

What?

[ he looks back up at him, shocked. ]

Why?? Isn't this the vacation you've been looking forward to all this time?

And look what happened because of it! Do you honestly think I can just stay here now?!

[There's no reason for him to be angry at Kalim. Kalim should be angry with him, if anything. But something feels like it's twisting and fraying and splintering inside him, like a jackal tearing its prey limb from limb. He can't help the way tears spill hot or his voice abruptly raises, facade of calm control shattering under the force of it.]

What do you think is happening back home right now?! I'll be lucky if the only thing that's waiting is planning a funeral!

Huh…?

Why would you be planning anything?

[ he stares at him, oddly calm about this ]

Whatever happened, it was inevitable, right? And more importantly, you’re here. It’s not your fault.

It hasn't even been a full day. Do you realize that? The second I took my eyes off of you, tragedy strikes. Even you can't possibly be naive enough to actually believe this was a coincidence!

[How can Kalim be so calm about this? How does he even explain in a way he could understand? He can't just..... ignore the fact that he'd abandoned his responsibilities. He'd abandoned Kalim. He'd wanted to run away, even just for a little while..... How selfish can you possibly be?

It seems even less appropriate, trying to explain the dread of going home, given the state of Kalim right now. Everyone in the estate is going to be involved in the funeral of the heir, obviously--it can't possibly be a small scale event, when the Al-Asims are involved. But..... what if he no longer has a place in that household at all?]

"That's just the fate of the al-Asim heir."

[ he repeats, something he's had said to him his whole life... He doesn't understand what Jamil is getting at?? ]

There wasn't really anything either of us could do??

That's why you have me!

[.....Had. Had him.

That's why it had been so important that he never leave his side, especially for something so frivolous. That's why he had worked and worried all these years--because he and the others weren't just servants, were they? They were shields. They protected Kalim and the rest of the family from fate, no matter how inevitable it seemed, until the battle simply proved more than a match for them.]

No, that's not it at all!

[ he protests immediately. The last thing he ever thought of Jamil as was-- some sort of protection against everything that he'd ever had to do.

If anything, he hated that more than simply suffering through it. ]

Your family's estate could be run with half as many people, if all of you weren't in constant danger--and you have it worse than any of them! Why do you think I took over making and testing all your food?

[Idiot. Why would it matter if he had thought of Jamil like that or not? Someone had to step up and take responsibility for his well-being in all those seemingly insignificant day to day details, someone Kalim could trust. Maybe his trust had been misplaced--if the fact that they're having this conversation to begin with is any indication, then it obviously was--, but even so..... Doesn't this just prove how vitally important it had been? When had he forgotten that?]

[ ah...

he hates that, but its the first time he's ever really had to think about it. Or-- that somehow the dream didn't change in his mind, to something different.

Something happier. ]

... I'm really glad you won't ever have to do that again.

[ and then, the panic that he had forgotten about is back with a vengeance. his eyes sting, he drops down to his knees, trying to contain his tears, and failing. ]

You're.... You're definitely free of all of that.

[ his voice is trembling, and his head tilts forward. ]

I didn't want you to do that for me! I hated it! I'd rather have just continued on like before! That... that was better than making you deal with my troubles.

[ he can't look him in the eyes, the guilt is overwhelming. ]

You really think I would have just let you starve yourself to death?!

[He is free of all of that now, isn't he? It's questionable if he'll be welcomed back at all--and even if he is, who knows what role he'll be reassigned to? A family chef, maybe? Still a personal attendant, but responsible for a sibling less important than the next chosen heir?

But either way, that's not the point, is it? That's never been what he's actually needed to be free from. Who cares about spending time in the kitchen or getting ill a few times? He can easily deal with a hazardous and demanding job, if it means every day doesn't feel like he's killing his own heart inch by inch.]

I wasn't...

[ he pauses, and shakes his head again.

he can't look at Jamil. ]

I'm sorry...

You were. Don't think we couldn't tell.

[Even back then, Kalim had been far too ready to lie to himself and others, too ready to blindly dismiss potentially deadly thoughtlessness as inconsequential. Had he really thought he could play off what he was doing so that others wouldn't notice? That they hadn't consulted doctors about his deteriorating condition?

"Sorry" isn't good enough. Denial won't change the facts of life. Kalim can't just pretend that everything would have been fine, if he had kept going without intervention, or that everything is going to be fine now. This isn't some kind of game, or a daydream they can expect to magically end in Happily Ever After. Real life requires sacrifices--but Kalim hadn't needed to be one of them back then, and he shouldn't have been one today, either.]

It’s not that…

[ he trails off, and then shakes his head, ]

It wasn’t like that.

[ Kalim seems at a loss for words, staring at Jamil, the beauty of the world around him forgotten out of a desperate need to try and make things right for him, while also struggling with why it was like this at all. There was nothing that could be done— he wasn’t the first heir to die, though he desperately hopes he is the last. ]

But I want you to be happy right now. This is what you’ve always wanted, right?

How could any of this possibly be what I wanted?! I never asked for this!

[Normally he'd never dare be caught in a state like this. Disgracefully openly distraught, face streaked with tears, shouting at Kalim as he knelt at his feet..... The consequences for something like this would be dire, if word got back to either of their families. Anyone could find them, when his yelling could surely easily be heard all the way back at the parking lot.....

But there isn't anyone to hear or find them, is there? There's nobody at all. Nobody but him, and the lingering spirit of the boy who used to be his whole world, for better and for worse.]

Huh?!

[ there's a hint of panic in Kalim's voice-- well, more than a hint. he wasn't sure what to do with Jamil in this state, and he immediately drops to his knees to try and reassure him.

he doesn't know what that means, what any of what Jamil is saying means. But what he does know is that he doesn't want him to cry. It doesn't feel right to him, he couldn't imagine it. and yet, here it was.

he reaches out to his shoulders trying to figure out what he should do, his face in open worry as he can't even pull together a smile. ]

I'm sorry! I don't want you to be sad!

[ he admits, his form wavering with his own uncertainty. ]

What the hell else am I supposed to be?! It doesn't matter what either of us want!

[There's nobody and nothing. He's alone, self-sufficient, accompanied only by the guilt and regret of his proven failure--and soon, even that will probably fade away, when Kalim decides to return to his family or pass beyond the veil. He's not bound and gagged right now, not stuffed into some tiny, dark, suffocating lamp to be summoned only on his master's whim. But just as there's nothing to keep him so limited and restrained, there's nothing to keep him anchored either, nothing to help hold him together instead of unravel in a spiral of grief and helpless rage.

Who would want this..... this nothingness? What has all of this even been for, if it's all going to be so hollow in the end?]

[ Kalim has things he thinks are the answer to what Jamil should be feeling, but maybe he missed something again?

And maybe he is a little sad, too. Or… a lot sad. He didn’t want to leave like this, he didn’t want to not be there to welcome him back from his journey. And so, he hesitates before answering, his grip on his shoulder disappearing, phasing through like it had moments before.

He doesn’t like that. ]

Jamil…

[ he wants to make it right, but he doesn’t know how. ]

It's all wrong. I never--this isn't--

[It's deeply, viscerally wrong in ways he doesn't have words for; he wants to cling to Kalim's insubstantial form as much as he wants to recoil, scream at him as much as he wants to be violently ill. It makes his skin crawl with unease--he shouldn't have found out this way. His phone should have been ringing non-stop from the moment something happened. He shouldn't be dealing with this alone, let alone have time to feel this way--he should be in crisis control mode, frantically coordinating a return trip right now.

Kalim shouldn't be here either--even as a ghost, is it really so quick to get halfway around the world, unless he'd been murdered mere minutes or hours after he'd left him in the hands of the rest of the servants? What had the rest of the household been doing, to let him die so easily? Shouldn't he still be in shock as he confronts his new status, or at least cooperating with local authorities so his murder can be investigated? They have mages in law enforcement for a reason--it's much easier to find clues and suspects alike, if the victim's spirit themselves can provide a statement.

Why..... why is nobody here for them, except each other? Kalim has a whole estate full of people who love him. He himself should have been struggling with swarms of fellow tourists, people who have no idea who he is, let alone what his social status is. This trip was supposed to be liberating, not haunting. It's just..... impossible.

The more desperately he wants to deny it all, the more reasons he finds to do so. The world around them wavers and distorts like a mirage, steadily growing darker and colder, less substantial and real as he violently rejects the very premise it's built on. He absolutely refuses to stay in such a horrible place; it's time to go home. It's time to wake up.]

This is just a nightmare! That's all!

[ Jamil’s so upset, and Kalim’s heart is shattering, all the same. He wishes it wasn’t like this, that things were different.

But when the world seems to warp and shift around them, he notices. He looks around in confusion— when Jamil’s words hit like a snap. ]

A nightmare…

[ how did this happen in the first place? He doesn’t remember, he doesn’t even remember how he got that far. It was just obvious to him—

But that wasn’t true. There was no reason for it. He’s not actually been the target of something like that in ages—- this isn’t right ]

You’re right!

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